Posts tagged Craigslist Ads

Wanted to Hire: Adult Babysitter (a Craigslist ad for John)

I made another Craigslist ad. This time for John and a possible solution to his passing out problem. 

original ad HERE.

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*I had to post this in here, cause apparently Craigslist is wack and doesn’t think this is a legit job* ANYWAYS… 

We all know that binge drinking is an epidemic amongst college aged kids in this country. But, you may or may not know that habitual passing out (HPO) is equally as critical in that demographic. There’s a significant difference between casual passing out and the aforementioned habitual passing out (HPO). If it’s not blatantly obvious, the most major difference is in the frequency of pass outs. When you’re habitually passing out, you’re gonna be passing out A LOT. I’m talking numbers & data go out the window. We just measure in phrases like, “A shit ton.” “A fuck ton.” or “So so much.” The second most biggest difference is in location of pass outs. Casual passer outers typically pass out in their own bed. Sometimes, a romantic interest’s bed. Sometimes, the resident dormitory whore’s bed. BUT for a habitual passer outer — the world is a mattress. Anything is fair game and often is. Desks, alleyways, children’s parks and playgrounds, subways and Subway, church pews, Wawa, hardwood floors, 7-11 floors, basically any restaurant floors (except Long John Silvers, that place blows), friend’s cars, kitchen counters, the barbershop, etc. 

I, your future boss, am a victim of HPO (habitual passing out). I want to make it clear that I am not retarded, I am not slow, I’m not narcoleptic, and I’m certainly not weird or anything. But I do….yes I do…habitually pass out. 

Reasons are unknown to why I suffer from my condition. Doctors don’t really give a fuck. But I have an odd suspicion that it comes from a weird combination of partying, Cafe Bustelo coffee, daily 5k runs while hungover, laughing like a girl, and Nature Valley bars. 

The first step was overcoming denial, which took a while. But now I seek to cope with my condition and that’s where you come in. 

The ad title speaks for itself. The position is for an adult babysitter. It’s not a joke. If you want to see a joke, look in a mirror. MUAhHahahaha j/p but no really…I need someone to watch me. 

Essentially, all you’d need to do is: 
- follow me at all times 
- keep a healthy distance so people don’t pick up on it and so I can’t smell you (this duty varies in accordance to if you’re female and how hot you are) 
- make sure I have a steady supply of drinks and cigs 
- light those cigs and mix those drinks, woohoo 
- when I do pass out, make sure people don’t write shit on me and I don’t piss myself, BY. ANY. MEANS. NECESSARY. 
- either continue to guard and watch over as I sleep or move me to a more comfortable and less embarrassing location 
- repeat 
- oh and on occasion, going on 7-11 runs for spicy bites, taquitos, and chips 

Required Qualifications Include: 
- having a car (I don’t fuck with gas guzzlers, alright) 
- being able to lift 130 lbs. 
- owning a dolly is optional, but a plus 

Compensation: 
I’d be able to pay you in rape jokes, Nature Valley bars, sugar packets from 7-11, my secret recipe sun tea that I brew and bottle in 40 oz bottles in my room at night usually after a day and nite of drinking and when I need to piss and too lazy to walk the ten steps to the bathroom, Game Day Light, al naturale fiery red human hair for wig and toupee manufacturing, and the best laughs of your life. 

All interested parties, inquire within. And may God have mercy on both our souls.

Looking For Love On Lindale Lane (a Craiglist ad for Chewy)

I made a Craigslist ad for Chewy as a result of an inside joke when he was telling me he was lonely cause all his roommates left him for the night. I said, don’t worry man I’ll make you a craigslist ad. And I did. 

original ad HERE.

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First off, I believe in the law. So, my age? I’m ready-to-party years old. And I’m looking for my age and up. 

I’m pretty tall. To midgets, I am a giant. But I’m not midget-phobic so if you’re a midget and not giant-phobic…holla, because I am about 6”3-6”4 with an open-mind up top. 

I’m lean and slender like a slim jim. Although, I’m not black. But for a white male I guess you could say I am kind of dark. More so olive toned but this isn’t Crayola crayons…this is Craigslist. 

I’m not diesel nor a muscle head. But what I lack in bulk I make up in Jeopardy knowledge. 

If you were able to graduate from elementary school (lucky), you probably had a kid in one of your classes that one might refer to as a “dinosaur kid” I was one of those kids. I won’t dwell into what that exactly means, partly because I’m already describing to you my physique and partly because I like to keep things plump with suspense. But let’s just say I’m not talking about short arms and sharp teeth. 

Other things that people may use to describe me: Big Bird (emphasis on BIG), soft in the heart but nowhere else, and awesome. 

I’m just looking for someone to spend my summer days with…like that song from Grease. We can do whatever. Whatever is clever. I think I offer a lot of fun. We could spread out on the grass and read my Tom Clancy collection, eat Chef Boyardee from the can, roast beets, touch toes, and throw rolly pollys at each other. 

I’ma bit shy to post a picture but I’ll post one of what I looked like as a kid. Just note I’m the kid in the red shirt not the faggot up front. 

Email me back if you are on the look out for love too, and maybe we can find it together. woot woot! Let the two-person search party begin! 

Oh yeah, PLEASE INCLUDE A PIC W/ YOUR REPLY. I don’t want no scrubs… (TLC reference)